Dividing the United States Into Independent Nations – The Jim Jefferies Show

Dividing the United States Into Independent Nations – The Jim Jefferies Show

At this point, America
is so politically fractured, there seems to be
no turning back. The great divide
in American politics shows no sign of closing… or even quieting down. Man: A Pew study finds
81% of voters say they cannot agree with
the other side on basic facts. Exactly! We’re all
in our own little bubbles. The liberals on the Coast
and the major cities, and the conservatives in whatever
the middle part is called. The Center of — Central America. [ Laughter ] Every so often, a part
of America tries to secede, but it hasn’t happened yet
because nobody really wants to put the work in…
until now. What if we all came together
to divide ourselves? Split up the U.S.
into independent nations based on what really divides us. For instance, abortion. This year,
several states have passed highly restrictive abortion laws
that punish women. Now, I realize I’m not gonna
change people’s minds when it comes to abortion. So why don’t you people just [bleep] off
to your own country? And then you can not have
all the abortions you want. We’ll call it
Forced-Birthsylvania. Then there’s the issue
of immigration. When you come here, you have to
spend at least four years in Immigrant Corner,
which is the Texas boot. We’ll give the immigrants
plenty of space. They can enjoy
their well-kept lawns, their very clean houses, and their freshly picked fruit.Feliz Navidad.Then after your stay
in Immigrant Corner, you’re probably gonna move
to a more diverse city. So we give you Diverse City. That’s New York City, parts of L.A.,
and San Francisco. Now, I know
what you’re thinking. “Jim, how can the country
be on opposite coasts?” Obviously, Diverse City will be
joined by a zip line. [ Laughter ] The trip will take 35 days. Or you could just fly.
We still have planes. Next, the LGBTQ people have faced discrimination
for a long time, so you guys can live
wherever you want, but you also get
your own country. We’ll give you
all the islands — Hawaii, Puerto Rico,
Guam, Kokomo. All yours. The Isles of Gay. Next, Native Americans. You were first here,
so we’re giving you Nevada. You know, because of
all the casinos and all that. Also, you get
Northern California, so you get a nice beach. It’ll be great! You can live there
with running water and all your other friends. [ Laughter ] We’ll call this new country
America. [ Laughter ] Now, black people,
you’ve also had a rough time, so let me offer you the South. This is now Black Israel. [ Laughter ] You also have
10,000 free slaves, white slaves from Birthsylvania. There’s a lot of babies there,
and they’re gonna need to work. If you aborted them
when I told you to, they wouldn’t be slaves! You did this to yourself,
Birthsylvania! All right. There it is.
The new America. Well, shit. I guess I didn’t
fill the whole thing in. Uh, okay.
Let’s add a few more places. Fumetown USA down there.
Fumetown. For people who don’t believe
in global warming. Use all the fossil fuels
you want, but you’ll be living
in a dome in Florida. That’ll suck when
the water levels rise. It’ll be like
a white-trash snow globe! [ Laughter ] Then there’s Opioidia. Right? See, you’re not gonna solve
the opioid crisis, so you might as well
make a country for it. And its capital
is gonna be called Oxycompton. [ Laughter ] Now, we’ll call
this middle part CheeseBeerMayonnaiseVille. This will be known
as the Fat Belt. And this part
will be Jesus Heights. And then Gaysia.
That’s just for gay Asians. Just for gay Asians. It’s really just there
because I like saying “Gaysia.” Gaysia. Okay. I guess there’s — There’s a few spots there
I didn’t really fill in. So let’s say those empty spots
are just for, uh… dogs. There’s a lot of stray dogs
out there, dogs in shelters. All the dogs
get the rest of the space. And that’s how we all
live together in harmony — by getting as far
the [bleep] away from each other as possible.

100 thoughts on “Dividing the United States Into Independent Nations – The Jim Jefferies Show

  • HELLO dIvided states of America ….. This is Oregon , and we need to talk.
    I think we should start seeing other countries. It's not you ….. it's us. We feel we no longer have anything in common with you any more .
    Just consider it a temporary seperation , and see how it goes.
    And maybe , we could all use a bit of counseling while we are separated …. And I'm talking directly to you Alabama, Texas , Florida , and other red states . …. you should really try counseling ..who knows maybe you'll enjoy it ..maybe we will be able to get back together ….? Or …. NOT.
    I guess we will see you around ..p.s .I'm taking Washington state and Alaska and Hawaii and possibly California with me . ..Washington is mostly like oregon . So take care and don't. Call us we will call you okay .
    Dear Canada ,

  • Yes , we have to go our seperate ways. There is NO going back to the way we were before trump.
    Now that we know just what kind of people live in other states and how evil they are , and crazy ,and racist and criminals .
    We cannot unsee what we saw. How you cheered for change Loren beung abused at the border sick children being sent to their deaths many people who have lived in the US almost their entire lives . ..you urged trump to send them to countries they knew nothing of and soon after died .you're okay with this ..
    You're okay with hate, and bullying,and taunting of most vulnerable ppl in the world .And you cheer at the cruelty and meanness of trump . You really Do not care about any other human beings but yourself . You could care less I if every one on this planet died as long as you got what YOU WANTED .just cannot live with all your HATE .Will NEVER trust you ever again . You repulse me . Let's seperate for good. It's over . Do not call us and we will not cal you goodbye

  • You laugh but the real reason humans life on every land mass available is because we hate our neighbors and killing them is to much work for most of us

  • Mmm… give me a second, I thought the USA was already the most divided country in the world. But yeah I guess it makes sense just to join all the preexisting groups into 1.

  • Funny thing is that this could work (splitting up people with different beliefs/values) until it turned into nuclear war in which the fallout kills all of us. I think you’re on to something

  • California would
    Be in the nuclear club before you can say secede. We’re sick of our 4th strongest economy in the world going to a bunch of mouth breathers in the south and elsewhere. We’ve got our own naval and air bases. Hollywood, we produce the most food. We have absolutely no need what so fucking ever to be in the nation anymore. Plus we could decriminalize drugs that you can get from the doctor anyway and finally settle the drug war.

  • You joke, but this is the only thing that can fix our Trumpanzee crisis. I don't want to live in the same country as those feral animals anymore.

  • Jim, is there any reason that you left out Vestlig Grønland, aka Alaska? Maybe you're thinking about either selling it back to Russia or even to the Danes, aren't you? 🙂

  • Reality is that Dems And Reps are two sides of the same fascist coin. Both sides are ruled by corporations. Globalist fascism or Nationalist Fascism is still fascism. Plus, all forms of modern governments/societies are direct descendants of the Roman Empire -the birth of fascism. Is this a good thing or not – who is to really say. What we really can say, is that we're but a greedy bunch of monkeys trying our best to govern ourselves, while trying not to blow the whole world up. Then again, we have been on a nihilistic bent as of late. So, who really knows.

  • I also am living with the dogs, which is OK, but I was rather hoping to have a place for the tech positive tree huggers of the Pacific Northwest.

  • Sadly I do actually want us to break up. 70 years and we still haven't even sorted out racism. I'm tired of red voters putting obstuctionist assholes in office and I am sure they are tired of me putting in people like AOC. And nothing gets done. We have an irreconcilable relationship which is good gorunds for divorce. We go our seperate ways and they run things how they want and we run things how we want. We can have a nice little open borders treaty and everyone will be more happy.

  • Funny that abortions are only relevant in those rednek hillbilly religious states with their rapists and pedos… vs educated cities and countries without religion which don't have abortions. KInda tells you something about their religion.

  • There should be free abortion all over in USA. It would help a lot on the IQ level of Americans. Maybe, there would be less stupid Americans then.

  • '81% of Americans can't agree on basic facts'

    Maybe because people don't know what the 'facts' on the other side are. As long as fox keeps telling dems want to abort born babies and whatever they claim the new green deal contains, and people believe this outrageous lies, I can understand why they don't agree.

  • You forgot Gunsylvsnia.. For all of your 2nd amendment friends and those who like to blow shit up and kill wild animals because.. 'Merica!

    Then you need 4-wheel-drive-aho for those who can't stay on the pavement and need to purchase ginormous slabs of rubber coated tank tracks on the largest possible wheels that will fit into the wells of your 4×4.

    And let's not forget Conserve-ahio, that wonderful place where being yesterday's news is a great idea.
    Yes only in Conserve-ahio can you drive your V8 SUV to work at the coal mine, and enjoy the warmth of the glow from your incandescent lights, and stil enjoy an after dinner cigarette while still seated in the restaurant.. Ah, the good life! And to hell with global warming or whatever they're calling it this year.. We're having a great time in air conditioning powered by our coal-fired power plant.
    Let our grandchildren worry about the future and paying for it , we're all 'merican here and if you don't like it you're free to leave for one of those commie countries like Canada or France.

  • Yup. The facts tell us right-wingers cry about socialism and taxes.

    The facts also tell us their states are highly reliant on outside revenues and have been historically – demonstrating a pattern and trend of failure, socialist-dependency – and yet, somehow – never a SINGLE offer to sacrifice anything so they stop treading on the rest of America.

    Their moral crime in taking while crying is far worse than the moral crime of taking while believing in investing back. That's also a fact – being a hypocrite taker thief makes you trash.

    It's not about facts – it's about quality of person, honor, ethics, integrity, honesty and values.

    One side is sorely lacking. It's ALSO why America's FACTUAL social domestic history leans left in the face of right-wing violent oppression.

    It's not about facts. It's about how shitty people are. How much they lie, cheat – how much they're in it for themselves versus in it for America.

  • Everybody polls in agreement on the policy issues though. They say they don't agree because the media sells the idea of disagreement. And the minority party has majority control because they steal elections through gerrymandering, voter id, and voter roll purging.

  • This may be a comedy sketch, but I for one wouldn't be surprised in the least if the US dropped the "U" part during my lifetime.

  • if everyone who voted trump were all incorporated into one country of just them, the rest of the world would sanction it and bomb it

  • I love you Jim, you're my favorite comedian and your show is awesome, but the fake laughter in the background just ruins it for me. It comes out really cheap.

  • I prefer my facts to be free-range and gluten-free. I've found Fox News facts tend to make me gain weight, while MSNBC facts give me heartburn. CNN facts are tasty, but need a little salt. Breitbart facts are a little heavy on the mayonnaise, while Washington Post's facts could use some tabasco sauce. Sugar-free facts from the New York Times are OK, but lack flavor. Shopping for facts in the You Ess Ayy is tough these days,

  • Please don't split up, that would give the world 50 separate countries full of racist gun wearing dumb fucks instead of the one we have now…

  • What freaken moron. If you told the truth about abortion they would practically not exsist. Besides the only babies being aborted are liberal babies and that's good for conservatives. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it 🦃.

  • I've been saying this for years, we should Seceed the Southern and some central states, they're dead economic weight. Why should I have to pay for some cuzz nuzzler's tractor road? Fuck em they're too incest ridden to think straight (Hense President Donald "The Syphilis Tickler").

  • I live in Lake Tahoe, America.
    Family lives in Humboldt, America.
    My country has legal pot, legal prostitution and legal gambling.
    America is gonna be great!!

  • As an American I really want to go deport all the global warming disbelievers to Florida.
    They can go waste their money on golf courses and mansions and watch their dreams and wealth die.

  • My favorite episode of Jim Jefferies is the "Jim Jefferies Exposed" video the look on his face is priceless!! ( insert prerecorded canned laughter here)

  • Well…
    As funny as it sounds… it is actually very …hmmmm…🤔… SAD 🤨
    What I don’t get is… why over eighty percent of GOP voters still think…that Mr. Trump is a great guy..?
    Still baffles me…🤔🤔🤔

Leave a Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *