Wiz: Have you tried 23andme? It can tell you all about your ancestors, genetic information, health and traits. Boomstick: It’s super easy and the results are legit. You can find out all sorts of good little secrets about yourself Wiz: 23andme reports do not diagnose disease or describe overall likelihood of developing any disease. 23andme test selected genetic variants only. Visit 23andme.com/deathbattle for important test information. Boomstick: Order your health an ancestry kit at 23andme.com/deathbattle and you can meet your genes in over 125 personalized genetic reports. That’s the number “2” “3” and “m” “e” dot com slash death battle. (Cues: Wiz & Boomstick – Brandon Yates) Wiz: Whether it be justice, vengeance or the thrill of the kill. Bounty hunting isn’t for the faint of heart. Boomstick: Especially when your usual targets are superheroes. Wiz: The Ghost Rider, Marvel’s relentless Spirit of Vengeance. Boomstick: And Lobo, the space hoggin’ Main Man of DC Comics. He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick. Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who will win… A DEATH BATTLE! Even at a young age, Johnny Blaze lived life to the edge. Son to an accomplished cyclist Barton Blaze, he was sadly witnessed to his father’s death in a stunt gone wrong. Boomstick: But he got adopted by another stuntman, Crash Bandicoo- Uh sorry, I mean Crash Simpson. It’s no surprise that Johnny became a stunt performer himself until Crash’s wife died in a stunt gone wrong. Wiz: Only now, apparently, aware that motorcycles can be dangerous, Johnny swore to never perform again. Boomstick: And then Crash got cancer. Damn. Even I don’t have parent issues this bad. Wiz: Completely devastated, Johnny refused to let Crash die. Willing to risk it all, he turned to the one person who could fix everything. Boomstick: Everyone’s favorite problem-solver, Satan! Squirrely: Hail Satan. Wiz: This was Mephistopheles, one of the many lords of Hell who happen to have a special interest in Johnny’s family line. To save Crash’s life, he caught a deal with the devil, curing the cancer at the cost of selling his soul. The deal succeeded and Crash was healed. But, then he died in, well, a stunt gone wrong. Boomstick: I mean, he’s a stuntman who’s name is Crash. Should’ve seen it comin’. And after all that, Johnny got stuck with being Mephisto’s bitch for eternity. Wiz: Mephisto even sandwiched him together with a demonic spirit of vengeance named Zarathos. Boomstick: Zarathos. Ask your doctor if it’s right for you or your exorcist. Wiz: Long ago, Zarathos was a powerful demon who threatened Mephisto’s realm. Eventually, Mephisto defeated him, forcing him to eternal servitude. Boomstick: And with their power combined, Johnny and Zarathos roamed the world punishin’ the wicked as the embodiment of a death metal album cover, the Ghost Rider. Johnny: (laughs maniacally) Boomstick: Aaagh! Oh god, that’s terrifyin’. Wiz: Well, sure his visage instills fear onto many- Boomstick: What, no. Ghost Rider looks awesome! I’m talkin’ about Nick Cage. Johnny: (maniacal laugh) Wiz: Agreed. Anyway, as the Ghost Rider, he became one of the universe’s greatest threats. He has superhuman strength and speed and his skeletal body can regenerate from practically any amount of damage. Boomstick: And if blaze’s his last name wasn’t obvious enough he can shoot fire. Oh, but not just any fire: Hellfire. The best kind of fire. Wiz: The kind that’s infused with magic that burns not just your flesh but by passes conventional defenses to attack your very soul. He can throw fireballs, raise walls of flame, rain fire from the sky and even conjure weapons and objects out of thin air such as a demonic shotgun and an infinite stream of chains. Boomstick: And his badass ride: The Hell Cycle. This baby can look however Johnny wants but it usually summons it as a panhead chopper. It can respond to Johnny’s thoughts, scale walls and even outrace Thor’s hammer Mjolnir. Wiz: The same hammer that crossed the galaxy and back in a single minute. Boomstick: Y’know I lit my chopper on fire once. Wiz: I didn’t know you had a motorcycle. Boomstick: Well, well, yeah and until the fire. Wiz: Oh. Oh. Boomstick: Rest in peace Roadhog. At least you went out in a blaze of glory. Like Bon Jovi said. Wiz: But while his hellfire and chains are vicious weapons in their own right. They’re often used to ensnare the Ghost Rider’s victims as he goes in for a truly diabolical kill. Or should I say… A penance. Boomstick: The Penance Stare it’s basically hell’s timeout corner of pain. Ghost Rider isn’t angry. He’s just dissapointed. And he wants you to think about what you’ve done and it to hurt a lot. Wiz: Under the Penance Stare the Ghost Rider forces you to relive all the pain and misery you’ve inflicted on others. Throughout your entire life. No indiscretion. No matter how minor is safe from the Ghost Rider’s gaze. Boomstick So that time I put ground laxatives in my fourth grade math teacher’s coffee and gave her the shits. Does that mean the stare would give my soul the shits too? Wiz: Not literally, but you would experience the anger, humiliation and the butt cramps. Boomstick: So… Basically eternal damnation got it. Wiz: But should your sins be so numerous and terrible the Penance Stare could even obliterate your soul. Leaving you an empty husk. Boomstick: The stare doesn’t work on everybody thought. You might survive if you’re blind, don’t have a soul, draw power from pain or if you’re a weirdo like Thanos who gets off on that shit. Still Ghost Rider’s grab bag of hell powers let him tare up some of the biggest assholes in the world and even some of the good guys like Hulk Thor and Doctor Strange. Wiz: He’s quick enough to dodge bullets or even outright catch them in his teeth. He’s powerful enough to create massive eruptions, blow up mountains and even tear down a skyscraper; the average skyscraper weighs over 200,000 tons. That’s the same weigh as a eleven hundred blue whales. Boomstick: Or one ex-wife. Imma write that on your next alimony check. Wiz: And given his hellish heritage he’s rather difficult to kill. Bullets, poison, fire he’s survived it all. Even a beat-down from World War Hulk just got him even more pissed and extra flamin’. Wiz: Not just that remember Zarathos? Johnny Blaze isn’t simply a host for the demon but a limiter for his full power. Throughout his life as the Rider; Johnny has constantly battled Zarathos in the mind barely holding on to some semblance of sanity. Should his will to resist the demon falter Zarathos can take full control and all hell breaks loose. Not literally, but pretty close. Boomstick: Oh and plot twist Zarathos was never actually a demon at all. But an angel of justice fire skull head and everythin’. When he’s unleashed he becomes so powerful even Doctor Strange wets his robes and this is the guy who pops supernovas like Pez. Wiz: While Zarathos was bonded to another host they even managed to defeat Mephisto in his own realm. For reference Mephisto once battled Galactus Devourer of Worlds. Stars detonated, galaxies trembled and the entire universe was at risk simply as a byproduct of their battle. Boomstick: And if Zarathos wasn’t terrifyin’ enough he likes to eat souls. Wiz: Of course the Ghost Rider isn’t invincible. Johnny is technically vulnerable as an ordinary human being. Even while transformed the Rider can be killed via holy weaponry. Boomstick: But Johnny’s doing all right sittin’ pretty on Mephisto’s throne. I guess things worked out okay for him even if he’s not too keen on being the devil’s bounty hunter Wiz: So let this be a warning: Should you ever hear the rumble of a motorcycle in the distance and the glow of an ethereal flame on the horizon. Count your sins because the Ghost Rider is coming and may God have mercy on your soul. Ghost Rider: Sorry. All out of mercy. Wiz: Let’s turn the clocks back to a distant era of sin and debauchery. Boomstick: The 1990s. Wiz: Inspired by the financial success of “Watchmen” and “The Dark Knight Returns”, comic writers started churning out grim and gritty superheroes by the dozen, like Cable, Azrael and Overkill. Boomstick: Yeah, they were badass-lookin’… At first. But I mean what’s even happenin’ here? Wiz: It got so absurd that someone needed to knock these roided-out monstrosities down a peg. Boomstick: The world needed a hero… No, a parody. Wiz: Enter the planet Czarnia. Once the brightest beacon of peace and happiness in the universe until its inhabitants were annihilated by a biological catastrophe, leaving only one survivor. The last son of Czarnia: Lobo. Boomstick: The one that killed all the rest of them, a guy whose name literally translates in Czarnian to. What? Awesome! Why wasn’t I named that? Wiz: Lobo is so unimaginably evil, that his birth caused the midwife who delivered him, to go insane. The first Czarnian to do so in ten thousand years. Boomstick: Some even think that Czarnia was so perfect and good, the universe made Lobo to balance things out. Hey, didn’t you say the same thing about me when we first met, Wiz? Wiz: That I did. Simply put, Lobo was…unique and desired to be more so. Thus he was insured he was the only Czarnian alive in the universe. Lobo: I fragged the rest of the planet for my high school science project. Gave myself an A. Boomstick: Yeah he’s definitely insane.. ..ly awesome! Wiz: Lobo left the desecrated corpse of his former home to become a bounty hunter. Probably because it’s the only profession that legally allows him to murder. Boomstick: Ah, don’t worry, he’ll murder you illegally too. Lobo doesn’t discriminate. He even has a special gender-neutral insult and the name of my next motorcycle. Lobo: My bike!! Fraggin Bastich! Boomstick: Anyway Lobo’s bagged some pretty crazy bounties across the universe. Includin’ Santa Claus, two near-omnipotent dwarf gods and even things that don’t exist, apparently. Wiz: And Lobo’s Czarnian physiology is just as absurd to match. He possesses god-like strength, speed, and invulnerability. So much so, he can tear through hordes of superheroes like nothing. Should he somehow suffer damage, he also has an impressive healing factor. Boomstick: He’s like if Superman and Deadpool had a baby, which is a lot more terrifyin’ when I say it out loud. Deadpool: Did somebody say Deadpool? Boomstick: (screams)
Wiz: NO! GO AWAY! There. He’s gone. Boomstick: Wow. I didn’t think you had it in ya. Deadpool: Aw honey that’s not true. Haven’t you heard? No one’s ever really gone. See you later! Wiz: I swear to God I’ll kill him someday. Boomstick: So uh… You have the replacement plan on that TV right? Wiz: (clears his throat) Back on topic Lobo can regenerate from a single drop of blood. And each one he sheds will actually grow into a completely new Lobo. No I’m not making that up. Boomstick: No wonder there wasn’t any war in Czarnia. Nobody can kill these friggin bastiches. Wiz: It helps that he’s also a super genius who knows well over 17,000 languages. He can perform complex physics equations in his head quickly enough to catch the Flash and can build planet destroying weaponry out of garbage. Boomstick: His brain is no joke. He can resist mind-control because he’s too ornery and he’s got so much willpower he can literally walk through Green Lantern constructs. Y’know those things powered by willpower? Wiz: And befitting his occupation Lobo is a master sharpshooter, tracker and kent by his own admission, deduce the weak points in any opponents. Boomstick: Uh like how my shotgun leg jams if booze gets in it. Wiz: I would have gone with your crippling alcoholism but sure that too. Lobo may be a powerhouse on his own but he also comes equipped with guns, knives, swords, grenades and a bomb that he sent back in time which acidentally killed the dinosaurs. Whoops. Boomstick: His favorite is his enormous Hookchain. But when his job takes him across the universe he hops on his Space Hog. A customized fast frag 66 which has automatic machine guns, response to his whistle can fly fast enough to escape black holes and blasts. 🎶Born to be wiiild!🎶 Wait wait wait? How can he sing in the vacuum of space? Wiz: Oh that’s where you drawing the line? Not the time he say… Pull the alien entity Solaris out of the sky which is as heavy as a star despite lacking leverage? Boomstick: I like how he even admits that didn’t make any sense. Wiz: Using a small to medium sized star like our own sun as a reference; Solaris should weigh nearly 2 octillion tons. Over 300,000 times heavier than Earth. Boomstick: So pretty tough to benchpress. But how about the time he was fightin’ some rabbits and then he got so faced meltingly angry that he just straight-up ate a city!? All at once. Disclaimer: Don’t eat away your feelings. It’s not healthy. Drink them away instead. Wiz: Don’t do that. But that is trillions of tons of steel and rubble condensed into a sphere smaller than the palm of his hand. By my calculations that compressed ball should be over 20 times denser than a neutron star. Boomstick: Oh God imagine that comin’ out. Wiz: This unimaginable strength lets him brawl with the likes of Superman. But that’s barely scratching the surface. Boomstick: Name anybody in DC Comics and it’s likely Lobo kicked their ass. He can even punch ghosts. Sounds like the only thing that can kill this guy is an act of God. Wiz: Not even that after rampaging through heaven and hell tearing through armies of angels, demons and what-have-you. Lobo’s bloodlust on a biblical scale got him banned from the afterlife as in Death was told that Lobo’s soul was not to be collected. Boomstick: So he just can’t die now? Wiz: Not in the traditional sense? He’s had his head decintegrated, been reduced to a skeleton even been turned into a spirit that just kept on fighting until he got his body back. Boomstick: The only thing that has ever really held the big lug back is his weirdly consistent integrity namely he’ll always keep his word no matter what. Seems pretty weird for a cosmic madman. But he also loves dolphins and will literally go to hell and back to protect them so who even knows anymore? Wiz: He’s not without his failures though his greatest of which was perhaps something entirely out of his control. His reboot. Boomstick: What the hell it’s that scrawny emo Edward Cullen ass lookin’ dork? Wiz: That’s New 52 Lobo. A serious tortured modern interpretation everything that Lobo was meant to be a parody of. Boomstick: Thankfully someone at DC developed a sense of irony and literally shelved this loser. Wiz: The real Lobo returned better than ever and got back to doing what he does best. Boomstick: Kickin’ ass across the universe. He’s not just some stupid alien villain. He’s the Main Man and the whole universe knows it. Lobo: See someone is paying me a heap of cash for your carcass. And the Main Man always delivers! Wiz: All right the combatants are set. And we’ve run the data through all possibilities. Boomstick: But first wrap up your engines for this delicious food deal with Blue Apron. Wiz: By now, you’ve probably heard of Blue Apron the leading meal kit delivery service in the US. Boomstick: Choose your meals each week get the ingredients delivered to your doorstep and whip up a meal usin’ the easy to follow directions provided. Wiz: Check out their summer menu and try out their customer favorite plant-based burger with the Beyond Burger. Boomstick: I never thought a plant burger would be a good idea. But I was totally wrong. You’ve gotta try it. Wiz: And there’s plenty more to love about the Blue Apron. Boomstick: My favorite part is feelin’ like a master chef makin’ creative and delicious meals with my own hands. You guys really need to try it out. Wiz: It’s pretty nice coming home knowing I’ll have a delicious meal I can whip up with ease. Blue Apron supplies the recipe you do the cooking and the result is truly beyond. Boomstick: Check out this week’s menu and get 60 dollars off at Blueapron.com/Battle. That’s Blueapron.com/Battle Wiz: Blue Apron “A Better Way to Cook!” Boomstick: But right now, IT’S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lobo: Hmm? What the frag? Ghost Rider: Lobo of Czarnia. Your sins are inumerable. I am here to… Lobo: (laughs) Feetal’s Gizz! My bounty! I’m gonna skull-frag ya! You’re one ugly freak! Ghost Rider: Look into my eyes. Your soul will burn in hell- Lobo: Is that a fact now? Ghost Rider: Burn! Lobo: Bottoms up! Ghost Rider: It’s done. About time. Lobo: Not yet, scuzball! Zarathos: YOU WILL ALL DIE SCREAMING! Lobo: Eat this, ya bastich! Holy fragaroli. I definitely ain’t pickin’ up that bounty now. Zarathos: LOBO OF CZARNIA! YOUR SINS ARE INNUMERABLE! I AM HERE TO WREAK VENGEANCE… UPON YOUR SOUL! Lobo: No! No! No! No! Nooooo! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Announcer: KO Boomstick: Damn that was toasty. Wonder what ghost Lobo taste like? Wiz: Being so absurdly powerful Lobo definitely held a massive physical advantage against the Ghost Rider. Boomstick: Yeah yeah that was obvious skull head took down a skyscraper while Lobo dragged around a freaking Sun but Ghost Rider’s survived some pretty incredible things. Almost as incredible as these new shirts. From store.roosterteeth. AAH! Wiz: Time in place Boomstick. Boomstick: Ah come on we gotta eat. Wiz: Even World War Hulk couldn’t finish him off and Lobo didn’t typically carry any holy weapons which meant he really did not have a good way of killing The Ghost Rider. Boomstick: Yeah, but who needs holy weapons when you’re strong enough to crush a whole city. Couldn’t he just overpower Johnny? Wiz: A good question. However, do you recall how powerful Zarathos was? Zarathos was an equal threat to Mephisto whose battles tore apart the universe once the Ghost Rider released his true power. Lobo’s physical advantages hardly mattered anymore. Boomstick: But hey the Main Man was super-smart and probably couldn’t figure out Johnny’s weaknesses. But how is he gonna escape to find a holy weapon somewhere when the Hell Cycle outraced Mjolnir? Wiz: Which once crossed the Milky Way and back in under a minute a feat more than 100 billion times faster than light. More than capable of keeping up with the Space Hog. They were both as unkillable as you can get. But since Lobo was banned from the afterlife how could he ever lose? Wiz: This is where the fine print matters Death was banned from reaping Lobo’s soul. But that doesn’t mean the soul itself could not be destroyed. This is where our research surprised us the most it turns out the Ghost Rider had three different methods of specifically targeting Lobo’s soul. Boomstick: His Hellfire could hurt the soul directly and since it ignores normal defenses Lobo couldn’t really stop it. With trillions of murders on Lobo’s hands the Penance Stare could wield extraordinary power against him. And while Lobo had a high pain tolerance he did not enjoy fatalistic agony and unending torture so much that he’d survived all of that at once. Boomstick: Even if he did Zarathos can just gobble up his soul for a quick snack. The end. Easy as that. Wiz: Lobo was undeniably a difficult opponent to take on but the Ghost Rider’s cosmic might unholy invulnerability and soul rending powers gave him the perfect tools to take out the Main Man. Boomstick: That poor bastiche didn’t stand a ghost of a chance. Sorry, I know that was a “Lobo”. Wiz: The winner it’s Ghost Rider. Ben: Thanks for watching this episode if you want the battle music for yourself, you can get by clicking the link down below. Chad: Also if you like animated content, check out the new Rooster Teeth Animation channel, just click that box right over there. It’s great stuff.