Guide to an Electable Prime Minister Candidate (for Labour)


In this latest general election, we learned
that Jeremy Corbyn is unelectable, ’cause of his, like, thorough, lifelong commitment
to the principles of social justice and human equality, rejection of jingoism, and his general
aptitude and good nature. We can’t have any of that. Luckily, this same election showed
us a prime example of an electable candidate, the one who was elected. So, for the benefit
of the Labour party, here are the features of an Electable Candidate:
You need • Loud disdain for minorities and the poor.
• To have been caught lying constantly. • Famous frequent infidelity.
• To be in direct cahoots with white supremacists – now THERE’s the terrorist group to sympathise
with. • Delusions of grandeur to the extent that
you wrote a book about you saving the country • To hide from accountability
• To be afraid that Piers Morgan will score a moral highground on you, yes, Piers Morgan  
• To be willing to vastly deceive the public to sway a momentous referendum
• To believe in IQ as a measure of human value, and that it leads to a natural structure
of society. Y’know, that deeply racist myth. • Just be really really racist is general;
that works. • Really really sexist too.
• Have a famous history of bullying and no suggestion that you’ll ever stop.
• To have so many moral failings that you can’t be pinned for one individually
• To protect those who already feel they’re better than the rest of us
• To charm those who think they can become better than the rest of us
• To frequently construct public gaffes to distract from your evil
• To be even slimier than the average Tory • Run to protect wealth inequality and thereby
perpetuate suffering • Just be a Tory. They don’t worry about
being electable; they just get elected. It’s not just the candidate, though: There
are things for the Labour Party to sort out in general. They need to
Try a worse manifesto. All this focus on helping people and being fair and truthful is really
alienating to your traditional demographic, conservative people.
Forget the NHS. Be clearly committed to that plan to make
the UK a lot worse that slipped through on basically a 50/50 vote and at which the Conservatives
have proven inept. Don’t make promises that sound too good to
be true, ie, those that sound good at all. Even if you cost them out and they’re pretty
modest proposals for progress, Britain won’t believe things can be made better.
Don’t have just the one racism scandal; it looks weird without the full set.
And, most essentially, definitely kiss up to the Rupert Murdocracy.

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